Family.

For so many people, family matters a great deal. But, it’s not always good or bad. And, it’s definitely not black and white either. When you’re in recovery, you need to be very aware of the role family plays in your ongoing sobriety.

Join us for Episode 004 of the Addiction Radio Podcast where we discuss how and what to do with the good and the not-so-good. It’s an important listen so let’s dive right in!

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Show Notes

Dealing with family and addiction can often be one the most complicated pieces to your recovery. Your family  has likely had a huge impact on your addiction and recovery both good and bad. While for some of you – your family may have been the cause of your addiction, others may have family who are there and rooting for your success. Most of you likely have family on both sides of the spectrum. We’re going to talk about how we recognize you don’t get to choose your family – and therefore there are different approaches to those who are supporting you through this process and those who may be hindering your success. I’ll talk about when to walk away, how to regain your family’s trust and what it takes to work towards healthier relationships. Let’s get started.

You don’t get to choose your family

So the title of the course says a lot – you don’t have a choice on who your family is. You don’t get to pick and choose who you’re related to or what family you belong. With that being said, you do need to recognize the different approaches you may take with each and every family member you have.

There’s a specific bond that most people have with certain family members – these bonds are unique in that even when the relationships are put through the wringer the desire to repair and continue a strong healthy relationship is always there.

You may not know where each family member stands and there will be a lot of gray areas as you start to think about your family but just know that while you are taking care of yourself, you might need to make some hard choices in order to protect your sobriety. These choices can range from taking a break from toxic family members to owning up to your mistakes with those who love and support you – neither are easy.

Let’s talk now about how to recognise a good family member.

How to recognise good family

Recognizing good family can often be clouded. Maybe while you were addicted your family cut you off or didn’t agree to enable. That doesn’t mean that their love for you was any less – it just means that their love was so strong that they couldn’t continue to watch your destructiveness.

What I want you to do today, is to make a list of family members who have been there for you through all this – emotionally, physcally, etc. Don’t confuse this though with not enabling. This should be a list of those who you want to make amends with, those who you know would be there for you through thick and thin.

Once you’ve made this list, start working on repairng relationships. The easiest way to start the conversation is to send a text – let them know that you appreciate everything they’ve ever done for you and if they know about your addiction you can let them know that you’re working hard on your recovery. From there – see where the conversations take you.

It won’t be easy but it’s a start. You do have to be prepared for people to be suspicious of your trust and that’s okay! Repairing relationships doesn’t happen over night. Some family members may want to see you in action – and this takes time. For now, just send the text.

How to recognise toxicity

We talked about good family members and now we need to talk about those who are “not so good” and when I say not so good I’m talking about not so good for you. Not saying they’re not good people because that would a little disingenuous for me to presume.

What I am talking about though is that some of you may have family members that have put so much pressure and strain in your life that it causes you to continue to want to use or partake in your addiction.

These could be family members who use or partake in the same addiction as you and just not ready to get help yet or these could be family members who abuse, belittle, or cause so much drama that it triggers you and puts your recovery in jeopardy.

So, for now, just make a list of who those family members are. Don’t hold back on the list or second guess this – nobody’s going to see this so you dont’ have to worry about hurt feelings or needing to take action. This is for your eyes only so trust your gut. We’ll talk in a little bit about what to do with toxic family members. For now, make the list and I’ll see you in the next lecture.

What to do and how to treat those who are genuinely there to support you

Okay so by now you should be thinking about labeling your family in one of two groups: toxic or helpful.  In this lecture I want to give you some tips on how to approach those who are genuinely there to support you; your helpful family.

When looking at your list, there’s a reason you put those family members in the helpful bucket. Maybe it’s because they have always been there for you, maybe it’s because they have shown you tough love or maybe it’s just a feeling you have about them, knowing that their presence will help guide you through your recovery path.

Whatever those reasons are, it’s important to hold onto and and cradle what you have. At first, things will be complicated. They always are. But now is the time to start working towards rebuiding those relatinoships and being careful not to push anyone away while doing so.

You have to open your mind and your heart and try to put yourself in their shoes and not get offended if things don’t go exactly how you’d want them to.

For example, let’s say your dad is on the list because you just know deep down your dad loves you and no matter what happens he’ll always be there for you. However, you also might know that you’ve hurt  your dad over the years so his trust may not be there. So, let’s say you call up your dad to ask a favor – maybe it’s borrowing money or time. If your dad says no right away, that’s okay and it’s normal. There’s no reason to get upset or mad or expect your dad to just brush off everything that’s ever happened. You’re going to need patience and time to prove yourself reliable and honest again. Now replace dad with whoever else is on your list – the same applies. Mom, aunt, brother, sister.

The best thing you can do is be present, be kind, and always follow through with your word. If this family knows aobut your addiction and knows you’re getting help then let them in on your path – your hopes, dreams, and even your daily struggles. But whatever you do, don’t get upset with them, don’t try to defend your position, just try to be present and calm. I know this is easier said than done but it’s what needs to happen in order for you to not lose the family who is and will be there for you no matter what.

Alright so now we’re going to talk about what to do with those family members who may not be so helpful. See you in the next lecture.

When to walk away

We talked earlier in the course about identifying those family members who are toxic. Now that you’ve identified who those family members are I want to talk to you about when enough is enough and when to walk away.

So there are times when you will have and recognize that family members are toxic and you can just not be around them but some of you may have family where you can’t just distance yourself. In that case, you might have to make hard decisions like walking away.

Here’s how to know when you have to walk away:

1. If that family member doesn’t allow you to reach a state of sobriety. For example, let’s say you’re trying hard to quit your addiction and  your cousin is coming over every day exposing your or asking you to partake in your drug, alcohol, or behavior.
2. If that family member causes you to want to relapse. For example, let’s say you have quit your drug of choice but a family member is emotionally abusing you so much that you feel like you have to use or partake in your addictive behavior just to escape the reality you’re living in.

If you have a family member that meets either of these two scenarios, it’s important to cut ties and walk away. Now I’m not talking forever because everyone has the ability to change but cut ties for a time that allows you to gain sober moments. If you’re unsure of how long that time is – it’s different for everyone – start with a minimum of 30 days.

If it reaches this point, it’s critical – I would call this a crisis – and you must do whatever it takes to walk away. If you have to leave your home – take that leap and do that. If you have to kick someone out then do that. AT the end of the day your sobriety should come first. Without your sobriety you can’t live and function in a way that is healthy, happy or productive.

I know and realize this is much easier said than done. But make plans now and follwo through. Whatever your situation is, always know that your success will be much higher when you take your own self seriously and distant yourself from those who aren’t good for your or your sobriety.

Regaining their trust

Okay so now know what to do with your good family members and know when to walk away from toxic family members.  Now, for those who are left, the ones your are opening your hearts to, the family that you trust and know will support you through just about anyhing – how do you regain their trust?

Regaining trust with those who you have lost trust with, doesn’t happen overnight. It’s going to take time but more importantly, your family is going to want to see actionable progress not just hear you say you’ve got this or i’m sorry.

There are two main ways to regain trust.

The first way may seem too simple but really it isn’t. It’s also the way that take the most amount of time. It’s simply not partaking in your addiction.  Your family wants to see you present wants to know you’re there, ever single day and the only way to do that is to not use or partake in your addictive behavior. Now there’s no timeline for this as every family is different and there are too many factors that play into this such as history, family dynamics and so on. But if you don’t partake in your addicitve behavior then that part of it will slowly start to disipate over time.

The second way is to have a good attitude. This may also sound simple but in reality it’s much harder when there are so many things thrown your way day in and day out. But if you’re just not using but still treating your family like shit – that’s not going to do anything. So if you really want to regain your family’s trust, the fastest way is to be positive, polite and courteous with them. Step up and help when you can, don’t complain about things even if you’re agitated and there’s stuff to complain about. Think before you say things and know when to back down. Every time you’re angry, upset, or rude it’s just another dig which will then take that much longer to get the trust you need and deserve.

Okay so to recap: don’t use or partake in your addictive behavior and have a good attitude. Next, we’ll talk about working towards healthier relationships.

Working towards healthier relationships

Okay so by now you should have started to really anaolyze each of your family members and know where everyone stands. Some of your family members may be toxic while others you are working hard to regain their trust. But what about everyone in between? Maybe those who have just been there; neither good nor bad.

Part of your recovery process and a way for you to come out even stronger is going to be working towards positive healthy relationships with everyone you come into contact with; especially your family. So here are some tips that you can start using today to strengthen family ties or bonds.

1. Understand that it’s not always about you. While yes, you’re the one going through the addiction it’s important to also understand that everyone has their own struggles. A good way to strengthen a relationship is to be genuinely interested in what other family members are up to. So actively listen, ask questions, and have input on their lives too.
2. Be present. Whenever you’re with a family member, make sure you are really there. Not just in the room but there and engaged. A lot of people miss stuff that’s going on around them by simply being somewhere else.  To do this; the best thing you can do is to put your phone down and take in whatever’s going on around you. Showing up is half the battle.
3. Give back. When I say give back, I’m talking about being the helpful person. Offer to help someone move. Offer to babysit, offer to give someone a ride. Do all of these things with no expectation that the favor will be returned to you. Now I say this and I want to be clear about something. We talked about toxic family members earlier and a toxic family member would be someone who is trying to take advantage of you. So for example, if you have a brother who is contatntly asking you to babysit even though they know you’re going through a tough time or maybe you have a cousin is always asking you for rides but doesn’t care to ask about you or be involved in yoru life then that would be someone you need a break form or someone you at least need to set boundaries. When I talk about giving back, I’m talknig about helping out with those who are genuinely there for you each and every day and you know that if you were ever in a pickle they’d do the same for you.

Alright so now you have a solid plan for building strong relationships. See in you in the next lecture when we conclude.

Conclusion

Alright so that’s a wrap. We know you can’t choose your family but we also know that you are free to make things stronger or to walk away. That’s why we talked about recognizing both good family and toxic family members. We talked about knowing when to walk away and how to regain trust and strengthen ties with those who you know are there for you always. I hope this gave you some insight on how this all ties into your addiction and how making those hard choices can often be the reason you succeed in your sobriety.

A message from Live Rehab:

Are you looking for online rehab or alternatives to AA or NA?

Here at Live Rehab, our online drug and alcohol courses help people obtain sobriety without having to leave their homes.

Does rehab really work?

For some people, traditional rehab does work but it’s clear that the option is not for everyone. This is why we have created rehab alternatives. Taking courses online means you have the flexibility to work on your sobriety on your own time.

Visit liverehab.com/pricing for more information.

So we all know that getting enough sleep is generally important to your overall health but it’s even more important when you are fighting an addiction. It’s common to feel like you’re not getting enough sleep or your sleeping too much. In this episode of Addiction Radio podcast, we’re going to talk about why sleep is important during recovery, how much sleep you’re getting now, and how much sleep you should be getting.

In addition, we’ll help you recognize signs of not getting enough sleep, dig deeper into different types of sleep, and the health benefits and risks of getting too much or too little sleep. We’ll conclude the podcast by talking about ways you can get better sleep, when and if you should take sleep aids and if you should call your doctor.

Let’s get started.

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Show Notes

In this podcast, we are going to talk about how important sleep is when tacking an addiction. We’ll have you take an inventory of your current sleep, talk about how much sleep you should be getting, and signs of not getting enough sleep. In addition, we’ll talk about the health benefits and risks, how to get a better night’s sleep, and if or when you should call your doctor. Let’s get started.

Why sleep is important during recovery

Sleep is a key component when breaking any addiction. Just like fitness and nutrition, it’s important to take care of your health by focusing on sleep. In other words, you need to let your body rest.

Your addiction has likely been taking a toll on your body and most people with an addiction have messed up sleep. When you don’t sleep well, your entire body is affected. Your brain needs sleep in order to repair itself and help you turn back to baseline.

Sleeping too little can cause your body to become irritated and when agitated you are at greater risk for triggers which could potentially lead to relapse. When you sleep too much, your body doesn’t get the activity it needs to be in a healthy state and this can lead to lack of motivation, depression, or sadness which can also lead to triggers and relapse. The key is to get just the right amount, every single night.

Most people don’t get enough sleep and those who are fighting an addiction have it that much harder. That’s why I want to talk to you about how exactly to get a good night’s sleep every night. When you couple this with nutrition and fitness, you set yourself up for great success. Let’s start by figuring out how much sleep you are currently getting.

How much sleep are you getting now?

The first thing you’ll need to do before changing anything is taken inventory. How much sleep are you getting now, are you getting good quality sleep? Does it take you forever to fall asleep? Do you wake up often?

The answers to these questions should be documented over a couple of days. Now the easiest way to get answers is to use a fitness tracker that logs your sleep.  Most fitness trackers are pretty affordable now and very beneficial because you can use it for your nutrition and fitness as well. If you don’t have a fitness tracker then you’ll have to start using a pen and paper – just keep a log next to your bed.

If using a pen and paper it’s impossible to know the exact minute you fell asleep but that’s okay; when you wake up just try to remember around what time you fell asleep, what time you woke up and if you remember waking up in the middle of the night.

You’ll need a few days in order to calculate some sort of average. Everybody has off nights here and there; that’s normal but what we really want to know is how much sleep you are getting on average and what your quality of sleep is like.

It’s important to make a note of how you feel each morning and throughout the day while making a log. Are you feeling refreshed when you wake up, groggy, what about during the day? Do you get tired often? Go ahead and start and log and continue to log your sleep over the next few days. After that: we’ll talk about how much sleep you should be getting.

How much sleep should you be getting?

Ideally, you should be getting 7-9 hours of sleep each night and only wake up once or twice for a few moments, if at all. It shouldn’t take you more than 7-10 minutes to fall asleep and you should find waking up; while yes nobody likes to wake up but it shouldn’t feel impossible.

Once you figure out where you stand, you can then start to make improvements.

Getting the right amount of sleep isn’t easy and won’t just come naturally. It’s going to take some time and effort to establish better habits and we’ll talk about that a little later.

Depending on how far away you are from getting an average night’s sleep; the time it will take to get there will vary. For example, if you’re getting about 6 hours of sleep, then it shouldn’t take long to make your sleep even better. But if you’re sleeping only 2-3 hours of maybe 12-13 hours per night, it may take a bit longer.

Once you’ve established your baseline and you know where your goal is, making those small improvements each week will it a little easier to do. You wouldn’t just go from getting 2-3 hours per sleep to magically the next night trying to aim for 7 hours.

Now we’ve heard all the arguments in the world and the most common one is that students sometimes feel like they’re getting enough sleep and sleeping more is not how their body works. Look at some of the stuff you read online – successful people work 24/7 with very little sleep overall.

I was once listening to a podcast with Oprah and Arianna Huffington ( the founder of Huffington post) and Arianna was saying that when HPOST was getting off the ground she would work around the clock and sleep maybe only a few hours each night. She stated this was her biggest regret.  Once she started sleeping she started to make fewer mistakes and the overall quality kept rising. So don’t let the media fool you into thinking sleeping just a little is normal. It’s not good for you, for your brain or for your body in any way.

Let’s move on to the next lecture where I’m going to talk about signs that you’re not getting enough sleep.

Signs you’re not getting enough sleep.

There are many signs to look for to know if you’re getting too much, too little or just the right amount of sleep.

Let’s talk about signs of too little sleep because that’s what the vast majority of people experience in general.

First, do you find yourself falling asleep in strange places during the day? The car, the bus, the theatre, at work on your lunch break?  If so, you’re not getting enough sleep.

Do you feel groggy, irritated, do you have heavy eyes?  What about falling asleep easily while watching TV? When your body isn’t well rested, it’s constantly trying to catch up in any way possible.

What about too much sleep?  This is a very real concern especially for those who struggle with addiction.  Sleeping too much, especially in the middle of the day can lead to insomnia at night. But if you sleep too much your body isn’t moving or staying as active as it should be. You’re not burning off the calories and it becomes this never-ending cycle. You sleep all day, you’re up all night because you slept all day and it goes on and on.

Once you start taking your sleep seriously you’ll notice that when you get the right amount of sleep, you don’t become tired during the day. You will feel refreshed every morning and your overall sleeping patterns will be much smoother than when you weren’t sleeping enough.

Not all sleep is created equal.

The one thing to know when logging your sleep is that the number alone doesn’t mean you’re getting a good night’s’ sleep. Have you ever slept for 10 hours but felt tired and groggy because you were tossing and turning all night?

There are 5 stages of sleep – it’s essentially in this order: light, light, deep, deep, light. Stage 3 and 4 is where all the work and benefits take place. During the deep sleep stage, your body is repairing and recovering from all the day’s stress. This is also when the human growth hormone is released which is essential to keeping your body healthy and active. If you wake easily throughout the night then you are not getting enough deep sleep.

Every time you wake up, your body has to go throw each stage over again. So someone who is getting 10 hours of sleep but is hardly getting to deep sleep stage is not the same as someone who is getting 5 hours of deep sleep and 4 of those hours is sleeping deeply. This is why it’s important to not just get the right amount of the sleep but to make sure you are getting high-quality uninterrupted sleep.

Next we’re going to talk about the health benefits of sleeping too much and too little and then we’ll dive right into strategies and ways you can get better sleep.

Health benefits and health risks – too much and too little.

Sleeping too much and too little can cause an array of health problems. Ironically, sleeping too much and sleeping too little can both put you at higher risk for diabetes, heart disease, and stroke.

Additionally, when you sleep too much you are also at a higher risk for depression, sadness, and you might be feeling even more tired because your body isn’t getting enough physical activity when you sleep too much. It’s a vicious cycle.

When you sleep too little, you are at higher risk for anxiety, agitation, irritation and overall feeling pretty grumpy.

Both sleeping too much and too little puts you at risk for relapse. Why?

Well, what do you do when you feel bad? You don’t make good decisions.

The goal here is to help you realize how important your sleep is for your recovery so you can feel at your best.

When you get the right amount of sleep you literally add years to your life. Longevity has been linked to good sleeping habits. If you combine good nutrition, fitness and sleep, your recovery and ability to beat your addiction for good is at a much higher chance than if you neglect your physical health in any way.

Let’s talk about how to get a better night’s sleep.

How to get a better night’s sleep

Okay so let’s now talk about the plan. How can you get a better night’s sleep? Lots of ways actually.

First, until you’ve reached your sleep goal, you’ll want to keep a sleep journal. There are lots of things to journal about.

We always like to start by talking about what you can do right now today to start making progress. Now, remember, this process is going to take some time so just be patient.

First, now that you know what time you are going to bed, tonight I want you to aim to go to bed 15 minutes earlier.  The important thing though is to keep your wake up time the same, even on the weekends.

For example, if you normally go to bed at 1 am and wake up at 6 am tonight – you will go to bed at 12:45 am and wake up at 6 am.

Continue to do this every single week until you have established a time where you can reach your goal. For example, let’s say you have a goal of 8 hours (this is pretty normal and average) If you currently go to bed at 1 am and wake up at 6 am you’re only getting 5 hours of sleep every night. You need to start getting your body used to sleeping more so if you up your bedtime by 15 minutes per week it will take you about 12 weeks to hit the 8-hour mark. If you’re waking up at 6 am every day you should have a bedtime around 10 pm.

This is where you are going to start.

Now let’s talk about what to do in the meantime.

This week won’t seem so bad right? Just 15 minutes. While you start to work on getting more sleep, let’s talk about how to get better sleep.

The first thing to do: Set a sleep ritual. To do this, you’ll want to take time every night to establish a routine right before bed. To start this can be as little as 15 minutes but like your bedtime, you’ll want to increase this as the weeks go by.  Ideally, bedtime rituals should be about an hour before bed. Here are some examples:

• Create a reading nook and read on a non-lit kindle or a book. Stay away from the screens.
• Do some yoga
• Listen to some calming music
• Meditate
• Drink some non-caffeinated tea

Think of this as self-care – this is your team to create some calm and peace in your life. After everything you’ve been through it’s important that you take some time for yourself. Not only will this help with your mental health but this will also help with your physical health too. You’ll start to have more energy and combined with fitness and nutrition – your body isn’t going to know what to do.

Are sleep AIDS okay?  answer: no

A lot of people rely on sleep aids or sleeping pills to fall asleep. I do not recommend this. You are fighting an addiction so it’s important to not trade one addiction for another or if you’re addicted to sleeping pills it’s important to fight both addictions at once. If you do rely on sleep aids, start tapering yourself off now. At first, you’re going to have a really hard time sleeping but if you stick to a routine, establish good sleeping habits and a good ritual it won’t be long before your body will start to understand.

If you are thinking about taking sleep aids because you are having a hard time falling and staying asleep; don’t. Follow this plan, stick with a good diet, and exercise regime and your sleep will work itself out with the use of anything. I say this though but I do know there are healthy non-addictive natural sleep aids you can try if you really feel like you need to: melatonin for example.

But use with caution and always contact your doctor before doing so.

When to talk to your doctor

Sometimes no matter how much you try, getting the right amount of sleep seems impossible.

There are medical conditions that cause people to sleep too much or cause insomnia, as well as some medications. We recommend giving it 12 solid weeks of sticking to this sleep plan along with getting good exercise and eating healthy. If after 12 weeks you’re still struggling with your sleep then it’s important to call your doctor. There may be some sort of underlying medical condition that you’re unaware of.

Conclusion

That concludes this episode of Addiction Radio Podcast. We talked about a lot during this podcast. We hope you learned how your sleep will help you during recovery and just how important getting the right amount of sleep is.

Go ahead and start now by making sure you are keeping a sleep journal and upping your bedtime this week by 15 minutes.

We’d love to hear more about your sleeping ritual so if you’re up for it – post what you do in the comments section so other students can get ideas too. Good luck with your sleeping and if you do have any questions you know how to reach us.

A message from Live Rehab:

Are you looking for online rehab or alternatives to AA or NA?

Here at Live Rehab, our online drug and alcohol courses help people obtain sobriety without having to leave their homes.

Does rehab really work?

For some people, traditional rehab does work but it’s clear that the option is not for everyone. This is why we have created rehab alternatives. Taking courses online means you have the flexibility to work on your sobriety on your own time.

Visit liverehab.com/pricing for more information.